7

1. US 'lacks Iran arms intelligence'
Bigfoot, after facing 6-million dollar man, lacks arms, intelligence.

2. Burundi 'plotter' claims torture
They dangled beef just beyond his reach

3. Judge dismisses charges against Kentucky governor in state hiring scandal
Concedes there are simply no good candidates in Kentucky

4. Explosion forces La school evacuations
By associated press writer Pepe le Pew

5. Microsoft releases near-finished browser
Following their standard operating procedure for new product releases

6. Logitech unveils new cordless laser mice
Cats, understandably, freaking out

7. Database urged to share bird flu data
Database quickly resets access permissions, cuts off all further communication.