Vassal eight

1. Jerry Jones: Pacman has entered alcohol treatment
Difficult times for the Jones family.
2. Bush, Bernanke open to new stimulus package
Not to mention some package stimulus.
3. Feeling financial squeeze, VCs curtail investments
30 years on, time still tough for Vietcong.
4. Strange Weather on Alien Planets Explained
Filling another chunk of the 24 hour schedule on The Weather Channel.
5. Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants
Claimed to be hot, hungry, subsequently fell to the ground writhing, nursing unexpected knee injury..
6. Amid meltdown, cities slash sports, health, cops
Setting up boom times for fit criminals.
7. Scouts to get advice on safe sex
A groaning Earth hopes lesson learned better than that of fire making.
8. Sony delays videogame over offensive music
A critique never employed during the 1980's.