Ten's Fightin' Words!

1. Latin Grammys to Be Broadcast in Spanish
Previous broadcast in Farsi a huge flop.
2. Greenspan Voices Optimism on the Economy
His pension is sweet.
3. Senate 'Gang of 14' Seeks Solidarity
Suggest speaking to Lech Walesa.
4. Texans Gear Up to Decide on Gay Marriage
Some wearing chaps with jeans, others just chaps.
5. Polygamist Judge Fights to Stay on Bench
His many wives keep dragging him off.
6. Group Says CIA Sent Suspects to Europe
Where they were given universal healthcare and a 35 hour work week.
7. Bush Shows Reporter What's in His Pockets
Oddly enough, not lint.
8. Scientists Find Fossils in Sexual Union
Wish it were them.
9. Depression raises colorectal cancer risk
Doctors urge people to not press on their colons even if they really have to go.
10. Blame Puberty for Teen Sleep Patterns
Also increased need to launder sheets.

Seven's a Poppin'

1. Charles, Camilla Hit D.C. for Bush Visit
New batteries in Camilla's vibrator.
2. 50 Cent Disagrees With Kanye West
It's a wonder one of them hasn't been shot yet.
3. Apple hits new high
Defying Newton entirely.
4. Arab Nations Press Syria on U.N. Probe
Without even removing their pants.
5. Trend Micro Brings Spyware Protection to the Enterprise
Presumably Enterprise NCC1701A.
6. Usenet search engine preps porn for video iPod
Coming soon to public transportation near you.
7. Grandpa Is Sued Over Grandson's Downloads
Grandson to get whatever he wants from grandpa this Christmas.

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine

1. Feds to Release Details of Flu-Fight Plan
This reporter, for one, will be following personally developed flu-FLIGHT plan.
2. Hornets Open in New Home With Rout
Allergic home-owner rushed to hospital and pumped full of steroids.
3. Supreme Court rejects Microsoft appeal in Eolas case
Eolas, wood elf that lasted through 10 ages of men, joined an IT department.
4. Man Is Sentenced in Phishing Fraud
Friend, promised secret spot, covered up to his knees in mud.
5. Denver Voters OK Marijuana Possession
Stoner participation in vote highest ever.
6. Ex-Pizza Deliveryman Accused of Killing 10
Driven insane by requirements of 30 minutes or less.
7. Online Extra: Meet Mario's Papa
Never too happy about sons' non-plumbing exploits.
8. Ex-Head of Kansas Space Museum Convicted
Of running a space museum in KS.
9. Sea-based windmills could blunt eyesore criticisms
Make Don Quixote's life very difficult.

Ninally

1. Detroit Residents Pay Respects to Parks
1996 defensive performance by Cherokee Parks may have single-handedly allowed hometown favorite Robert "Tractor" Traylor to reach NBA

2. Nightmare of 'Loose Nukes' Still Haunts
For Sheriff Coltraine, nightmare of 'Those Dukes' Still Haunts.

3. Azerbaijan Defuses Head-Scarf Controversy
After mediation by famed head-scarf negotiator, Raef Trent

4. Syrians Insist, 'We Are Not Criminals'
White House counters, 'That is Irrelevant'

5. Scientists use `reverse genetics' to develop bird flu vaccine
Accidentally create Mateen Cleaves

6. After record profits, oil companies see backlash
US drivers begin filling tanks with wind, sun

7. Obesity May Contribute to Liver Trouble
As in, trying to be "one who lives"

8. Pubic Lice
And the crazy combs that harbor them

9. Your Child's Weight
may preclude him from safely climbing aboard a bike, should he ever actually decide to ride one

Late Sunday Nine

1. Bruschi Starts for Patriots After Stroke
Ineffective, since now he always runs to the left.
2. Depardieu Tells Paper He's Ending Career
The continued existence of his career is news to most.
4. Willie Nelson Hosts Friedman Fundraiser
Big Hands - Big Brains: A Concert of Hope.
5. The Human Brain Seen as Master of Time
At odds with some people always being late.
6. Texas Pastor Electrocuted During Baptism
Baptism of future Texas judge.
7. Calif. Police Seek Motive in Fatal Rampage
Incessant gunfire coming from police helicopters tops the list, along with general distaste for tall buildings.
8. Earthquake Shakes Parts of Montana, Idaho
No one affected.
9. Grower Invents Cranberry-Harvest Device
Looks suspiciously like migrant laborer.