Little Seven

1.
Bush Paints Rosy Picture of Iraq Situation
As his his wont, included cowboys and purple sage.
2.
Burning Questions Trouble Md. Schools
What matches work best? Is gasoline cheating?
3.
Self-Destructing DVDS to Reach More People
Asks them to perform possibly impossible mission.
4.
Purdue Wants to Win for Keady This Season
If that freakish glare doesn't inspire loyalty, what could?
5.
Chronology of Cheney's Health Problems
All down hill starting with his birth.
6.
Quantum Astronomy: The Double Slit Experiment
The closest thing to triple penetration these nerds are likely to see.
7.
Oahu Recycling Program Suffers Setback
Don't need any more islands.

Bat ten down your hatches

1.
AOL Tells Customers to Find New Carrier
Bows to pressure from friends ofAOL subscribers.
2.
Falluja Battle Erupts, Unrest Spreads Elsewhere
Iraq now more like Whack-a-mole.
3.
LIDAR Laser Radar Finding More Uses
GAYDAR also popular after last election.
4.
Pesticide Study Using Children Postponed
Speechless.
5.
Identifying Sperm Donors Doesn't Cause Problems
Does give you chills.
6.
DHEA Cuts Abdominal Fat in Elderly
As does a reasonably sharp Exacto knife.
7.
Victim's co-workers recall a great guy
Six months from now, will not remember his name.
8.
Pool suppliers knew Kemp suspect
All those years of unearned praise in NBA went to his head.
9.
Isle with tales to tell
Isle of the Dead. YARRR!
10.
Gophers get three in fold
Worth four in the bush.

Ocean's 11

1. Gonzales to Succeed Ashcroft, Sources Say
Appointee known for expediting the judicial process wherever he goes.

2. Arctic Thaw May Open Ship Lanes, But Risks High
Countless 17th century explorers reveling in graves as announcement made that Northwest Passage now open. Celebration stops as it is announced West Indies soon to be under water.

3. Dolphins Sorry Wannstedt Stepping Down
Headline writer wondering what happened to the comma he originally had after second word

4. Majority Leader Faces Balancing Act in Senate
Frist, who looks freakishly like carnival barker, has now graduated to high-wire.

5. In Vegas, an Unholy Alliance
Trashcan Man and the Walkin' Dude

6. Ashcroft, Commerce Chief Evans Resign From Cabinet
Muffled voice from within says "We quit and we're never coming out!"

7. Courses touch on health careers
Na-tional-Am-er-ican Uni-ver-sity! Da dah!

8. Titans: McNair still a question mark
Coach Fisher dreads upcoming match vs. Bears while simultaneously wondering how the hell badly worded the wish was in his QB's genie encounter.

9. Sudan, Rebels to Sign Partial Peace Pact
You stop tramping around all over our crops and we'll consider buying you some houses.

10. Cox, Showalter Voted Managers of the Year
Theoretically no limit to this partnership

11. Vitamin E May Do More Harm Than Good, Study Finds
Warns to avoid practice of consuming "all you can get your hands on" to ward off shcnitzengruben effects.

Hang 10

1.
Gorbachev Gives Prize to Cat Stevens
Kept Crackerjacks for himself.
2.
Little Rock 'Meanest' Toward Homeless
Lucky not to be getting the Big Rock.
3.
Falwell Plans for 'Evangelical Revolution'
More and more Americans hoping for Armageddon just to shut these fuckers up.
4.
Airlines OK Drinking Water Tests, Flushing
Look out below!
5.
Dell to build factory in N.C., hire 1,500 workers
Future Dell desktops to come preloaded with Nascar stickers.
6.
Bush Wants Line-Item Veto to Be Revived
Urged to try the one he already has before commiting to a different one.
7.
Gov. Jeb Bush Not Eyeing Presidential Run
Fixing elections more exciting.
8.
T.rex Fancied Ribs, Scientist Says
Chilis rolls out new ad campaign featuring small armed scavenger with bibb and big grin.
9.
Report: Many Species Scramble to Adjust to Warming
Shortage of hats, sunblock at most Arctic convenience stores.
10.
Waist Size Linked to Future Heart Trouble -Studies
Size 29 at particular risk.

Gibb's Old Eureka Ten

1. Samples sentenced in bank heist
Pizza pockets stuffed thousands into bag while Pace Picante Sauce locked tellers in vault.

2. Drug for Only Blacks Stirs Hope, Concern
Mysterious pill that makes Erkel seem funny now available for all.

3. Ben Wallace to miss time with Pistons after brother's death
Did not heed Wallace's warning about what would happen if "a brother drinks like that and he don't eat"

4. Kansas the preseason No. 1 for first time in almost 50 years
Team gears up for most significant underachievement in history.

6. Clippers Can't Quite Pull It Off
Nasty yellow hangnail rooted deep

7. Mother Says Alleged Abuser Ruined Her Son
Son: Hey!

8. Golf Courses Make Good Homes for Birds
First sentence in new Bush administration environmental initiative

9. Bottom-Dwelling Marine Life Found in Ga.
Swimming in and around ass-hair

10. UN nuclear watchdog chief says nuclear terrorism a real threat
One-ups small time warnings of brother McGruff once again.

Tentational

1.
Arafat's Condition Deteriorates Rapidly
Reenacting transformation scene from The Fly.
2.
Coach Wannstedt to Quit Losing Dolphins
Their constant happy attitude and playful chirps just not a recipe for success.
3.
Wil Wheaton to speak at Macworld Expo SF
Trying to change image from 'The Boy' to 'The Shill'
4.
Residents Angry Over F-16 School Strafing
Normally unengaged parents reluctantly rally.
5.
Kennedy Relative Jumps Into Politics
Quite a leap.
6.
Woman Charged With Having Sex With Boy, 8
Boy will spend life haunted by worst cooties ever.
7.

Stocks Flat; Oil Falls, Waiting for Fed

Fed, full of itself, takes its own sweet time.
8.
Powell Hopes to Improve U.S.-Europe Ties
Planning long vacation in south of France starting in January.
9.
Rap Label Bookkeeper Charged in Laundering
Not getting whites their whitest.
10.
New UK Airport Scanner 'Undresses' Passengers
Leads to remarkable increase in job applications despite risks inherent in increasingly obese population.

A bitter, post-election 6

1. A Line Forms to Check Out Clinton Library
Mysterious mass-mailing informed residents of Cuyahoga County, OH that was location of their polling place.

2. Church struggles with change
May take some time to come to terms with new placement alongside Executive, Judicial, Congressional branches of government.

3. Kerry's Votes Key to Bush Win, Rove Says
"For you see," he says, "we drove truckloads of them into the Gulf of Mexico and Lake Erie.

4. Poll: Voters Relieved by Decisive Election
In fact, 55 million Americans relieved of their right to have representation for next 4 years.

5. Specter Vows Fairness for Bush Nominees
Ghostly apparition threatens horrid wilting touch upon any who don't play by the rule.

6. Idaho Residents Seek Compensation for Nuclear Tests
69% Bush? Fuck em.

4 the hard way + 3

1.
Second Fire Rips Through Gardner
Wishes he hadn't asked for extra jalapenos.
2.
Peterson Jurors Expected to View Boat
Wonder whether Julie McCoy will ever find love for herself.
3.
Georgia Evolution Case Heads to Court
Evolution seems to have passed Georgia by.
4.
Obesity as Unhealthy as Heart Failure -Study
Being fat is as bad as a non-functioning heart.
5.
Arafat's Wife Lashes Out at Officials
Found time to catch the game while sitting next to comatose husband.
6.
Bush May Come Up With 2nd-Term Surprises
'Under God' to be mandatory in all sentences, written and oral.
7.
Ark. Girl Blows 16-Inch Bubble
Former president/governor Bill Clinton offers to give her private audience.