Skeighting away on the thin ice of a new day

1.
Ukraine Court Orders New Run-Off Election
The opposition candidate, a former triathlete, looks forward to next phase of campaign.
2.
Army Makes Training Base Feel Like Iraq
Encourages local punk kids to attack at random.
3.
Supreme Court Annuls Tainted Ukrainian Vote
Soft Cell emerges from retirement to record protest song.
4.
U.S. Study Says Sage Grouse Not Endangered
Grouse, winded and missing some feathers after fleeing from coyotes, says otherwise.
5.
UN Talks to Review Where 'Dangerous' Warming Starts
Plans to microwave cups of day-old coffee for increasing lengths of time.
6.
Dark, Leafy Greens Help Shield Eyes from Cataracts
Shield light from sun, ugly neighbor who likes sunbathing nude.
7.
Stolen Baby Jesus Recovered
Mary and Joseph will be relieved.
8.
School, T Face Off Over Saturday Classes
Pities the fool who infringes on his weekend.

Eleventy-One

1. Gangland Slayings in Naples Prompts Panic
Critics say theme park was incident waiting to happen.

2. AP Poll Examines Public Opinion on Supreme Court
Dismayed to find that 72% of public only familiar with term from 2002 Sports Illustrated headline on Laker's three-peat

3. What's Next for Bush's Cabinet?
Real ivory coffee mugs

4. Fresh drop in oil prices depresses TSX, boosts NY stock markets
Increase in cost of 8-sided dice depresses TSR.

5. Arizona M.D. Charged in Death
A closer look shows he signed something called the hypocritic oath.

6. Ancient Skull Fragment Hints at Surgery
Very bad surgery

7. P&G Female Sex-Drive Patch Stirs Safety Concerns
Questions arise over their decision to out in fun, colorful boxes, emblazoned with pictures of SpongeBob Squarepants.

8. Anti-Parasite Drugs Effective in Mothers, Children
Breastfeeding down 200%

9. Dental Plaque Linked to Pneumonia
Both linked to not going near a sink.

10. Japanese Researchers 'Tap' Mushrooms for Rubber
Call on old pal, Mario

11. One of World's Rarest Birds May Be Extinct
One school of thought would say it is the rarest bird of all.

Tentative

1.
President Outlines Foreign Policy
Looks remarkably like outstretched hand and middle finger.
2.
All-Cereal Restaurant Opens in Philly
Modelled after ISU food service.
3.
Miss World beauties defend relevance of contest
"What the fuck else are we good at?"
4.
Duck Hunter Shoots Angel
Angel mocked one too many times.
5.

Ricky Williams Rejects Deal From NFL
Demands his own weight in pot everyday.
6.
Brown Makes Season Debut for Wizards
Radagast expected to see little action.
7.
South Asia Stares at Looming Water Crisis
Looks and points at giant wave. Not much else to do. Where is Godzilla?
8.
Fly Higher, Fly Lighter: 'Ballute' Technology Aimed at Moon Missions
Initial flights to include no good galloot, later varmints.
9.
Stomach Surgery Helps Obese Patients with Reflux
Has no effect on The Reflex. Isn't that bizarre?
10.
First sexual stimulant for women could be as big as Viagra for men.
6-8 inches long.

Don't 8 me.

1.
Microsoft Debuts MSN Spaces for Bloggers
Virtual space eliminates the need to clean up after these nasty bastards.
2.
Peterson's Dad Describes Good-Natured Son
Allegedly bad-nurtured.
3.
Nurses Rally to Protest Delay of Ratio
Raised on ratio.
4.
Bin Laden Contacted Indonesia's Bashir, Court Told
Rejected outright by Bombur and Nori.
5.
Report: Giambi Testified He Used Steroids
Explains why he looks like The Hulk.
6.
'Blog' Most Popular Word on Web Dictionary
'Naked' most popular search term.
7.
Bush Signs Bill for Nev. Wilderness Area
A terrarium.
8.
Abstinence Programs Stretch the Facts -- Post
Also eliminate the fun.

10 sided dice

1. Pentagon Sending More Troops to Iraq
Decahedron sending more magic users to their graves

2. China Paying Price for Industrial Boom
Forced to buy increasing amounts of goods made in sweatshops by themselves.

3. Netherlands Hospital Euthanizes Babies
A liberal's wet dream

4. Musharraf Remains President, Army Chief
Loose conglomeration of entrails, guts has highest approval ratings in over a decade.

5. Crow's "Spiritual Twin" Cleared
Heckle and Jeckle resume mutual affirmation love-fest

6. 'Jeopardy!' Whiz Ends 74-Game Win Streak
Urine shorted out game board.

7. 'Color Blind' paints murder on the art-scene canvas
'Plain ol Blind' paints murder on art-scene filing cabinet.

8. Willingham's Firing Dismays Black Coaches
All two of them.

9. Arrese Will Bet Anything on Spanish Win
500th annual "march across 100 degree desert in full plate mail armor" competition.

10. Tough to Enter Golf's Father/Son Challenge
Elder Skywalker having a dickins of a time trying to find a way to fill out registration card with non-corporeal hands.

9 more than you can handle

1.
Bush to Thank Canadians for Post-9/11 Aid
Canadians: he's being sarcastic....right?
2.
Lesbian Minister Faces Pa. Church Trial
If she floats, she's a wi... I mean lesbian.
3.
Report Sheds Light on Black Hawk Crash
Sudden contact with the ground cited.
4.
PETA: Iowa Slaughterhouse Abusing Animals
Lucky for slaughterhouse, dead animals can't talk.
5.
Man Tries to Improve Nation's Geography IQ
Starts by explaining that the earth is a sphere, later shoots himself.
6.
Ridge's Successor Faces Daunting Task
5 color alert system very complicated.
7.
Treasuries Slip Anew on Data, Soft Oil
OSHA to investigate workplace hazards.
8.
U.S. proposes curbs on salmon protection
Suffer greatly on suburban lawns.
9.
FDA Questions P&G Female Sex-Drive Patch
PG, speaking from Terre Haute, offered no comment, just grinned.

Nine, Ten, a Big Fat Hen

1. Campuses May Bar Military Recruiters -
What we really need: more recruiters for the non-college bound.

2. City's native son to get new readers
Native father to perform eyeball-extracting ritual on unfortunate wayward explorer.

3. Roy out 4-6 weeks with knee injury
Doesn't recall how he got injury, but invites old & new friends to come & party with him in hospital.

4. Raiders' prospects mile-high after their comeback victory
If they win next game 87-0, they will have scored as many points as their opponents this year.

5. Iraq Oil Infrastructure Losing Billions
And leaving office workers, roadways a gooey black mess.

6. Rowhani: Iran Has Not Abandoned Enrichment
Suddenly rips off mask to reveal none other than Kim Jong Il

7. Injured McNair Thinking of NFL Future
Not praticing, playing gives him opportunity to envision players with rocket boots avoiding hordes of robot defensemen.

8. UN Panel Proposes New Criteria for Using Force
It's OK if you want to push away battle droids or fix a glass of juice without getting up, but mind-control is right out.

9. Sophisticated Radar System Protects Bush
Triple-Pi Sorority Invests in Long Overdue Technology

10. Improved Screening Prompts Jump in Chlamydia Cases
They need to start wiping off the examination table in between patients.

6 on 6 old school girls hoops

1.
Old Divisions Resurface in Ukraine
Strategic location critical to holding Asian continent and earning 7 additional armies.
2.
Suicide Bomber Attacks Iraqi Police, Kills 12
Iraqi police modelled after police from Robocop.
3.
Eighty Whales, Dolphins Die on Australian Island
Not TERRESTRIAL mammals.
4.
Wind Industry Bids to Win Over Doubters
Smelt it, dealt it rule still holds true.
5.
Delegates Seek Ways to Confront Warming
Shirtless delegates not a pretty sight.
6.
Survey: Many Seniors Not Exercising, Eating Right
Dry toast and crappy coffee is not a diet.
7.
Bush Picks Kellogg CEO for Commerce Post
That's Grrrrrrreat!
8.
ISS Crew Successfully Redocks Soyuz Spacecraft
The real question - why was it undocked in the first place?
9.

Poll: Americans Want Roe V. Wade Upheld
Need to be reminded of election choice.