Eight and Switch

1. Foreigners Blamed for Iraq Suicide Attacks
Further, it seems that foreigners were also victims and bystanders in those attacks.
2. Murphy Gave Lawrence Idea for Kids' Flick
It was included in the "Trade Your Jive for Cash, Cash, Cash!" introductory packet.
3. Americans Endure 4 Million Drug Reactions a Year
Ranging from "Shit, yeah" to "You call this weed?"
4. AP: Lincoln Memorial Video May Be Revised
To now include select scenes from 'Savage Curtain'
5. Above the RIMM
Cory's Balls, Barely
6. Open Source Serves Baskin-Robbins-Like Choices Of Software
Cause your CPU to melt
7. Pfizer Abandons Development of Two Drugs
One that makes your nervous, wondering what to do; and one that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you-when I'm alone with you
8. Consumer sentiment climbs in June -survey
More shoppers pause outside store displays, tile heads slightly, smile warmly

Eleventy-First Birthday!

1. Scientists Uncover Key Parkinson's Clue
Spots of candle wax all over floor in the billiards room.

2. Teens' problem behavior linked to later trouble
Otherwise known as nagging

3. Board: Teflon Cancer Risks Downplayed
None of the accusations seem to stick

4. EPA Blocked From Human Pesticide Studies
Closer inspection of EPA officials' white science jackets reveal poorly concealed tentacles.

5. NASA Chief Optimistic About Shuttle Launch
Apache Chief Optimistic About Shuttle Lunch

6. Bret Downgraded to Tropical Depression
He's failed to get laid after 2 weeks in Tahiti.

7. NASA comet crash to seek building blocks of life
End up working together to seek out and sterilize that which is imperfect.

8. Activists want fish off aquarium menu
Sharks to counter-demonstrate.

9. Beachgoers Return to Water After Attacks
Each of them seeking to be next

10. Naked bullfight protest brings halt to Madrid
Nothing can capture the imagination of a nation quite like the skill and deftness of two young ballfighters circling around one another, swinging their nuts.

11. Ga. Justice Is State's First Black Woman
Reuters correspondent sets new low for rigor of journalistic fact-checking.

Eleven Large

1.
Freedom Tower Features Attack Precautions
First building that can duck.
2.
Hostile Fire May Have Downed U.S. Copter
John Rambo, still wandering aimlessly through Afghanistan 15 years after the collapse of the Soviet Union, does the unthinkable.
3.
Bush OKs Shake-Up of Spy Agencies
Shown snow-globe containing CIA, FBI, NSA to get point across.
4.
Deep Throat Attorney Becomes Part of Story
A thoroughly unconvincing one involving a pizza delivery guy and some free time.
5.
Minn. Boy Left Quadriplegic by Lion, Tiger
Bear conspicuously absent.
6.
Oracle Profit Up, Beating Expectations
Expectations left bleeding, senseless by the side of the road.
7.
Monsanto Stock Slips on 3Q Profit Slump
Demands to know who left that slump there.
8.
House OKs shielding GIs from dubious sales offers
Not including recruiters.
9.
African Musicians Glad to Be in Live 8
Glad to be anywhere other than Africa.
10.
Prince Harry had DNA test to prove Charles was his father
Apparently those ears are more common than otherwise thought.
11.
Why You Can't Tickle Yourself
But why it's still fun to try.

Burt Bly-eleven

1.
Firefighters in Utah Win Battle With Blaze
Return to fire line after tangling with American Gladiator.
2.
Fire Breaks Out at Dallas Religious Museum
Burning bush diarama not properly sprinkled.
3.
Skipper Faulted in Oregon Fishing Disaster
Despite clear evidence implicating first mate.
4.
Ky. Residents Angry at Commandments Ruling
Repeatedly using the lord's name in vain.
5.
A British demon is rumbling
Welsh miners dug too deep.
6.
France Chosen As Site for Nuclear Reactor
Vote taken while French representative out for a smoke.
7.
John Paul II Placed on Path to Sainthood
Lifeless body not making as much headway as St. Bernie. Two young bishops enlisted to help things along.
8.
Alberta town declares local emergency, wants flood diversion project
Can't have it both ways.
9.
MTV launches new gay cable TV channel
Will only show Right Said Fred videos.
10.
T'wolves Guard Hoiberg Has Heart Surgery
Now called The Mayor of ICU.
11.
Faulty cable crashes Pakistan Internet
Country regrets the money it saved by only running that one cable.

Centrum Two-A-Day

1. Walton Remembered for Education Efforts
Millions of southerners now able to read Sunday circular.

2. Jackson's Love Letter
Filling up magazine racks in Chuck-E-Cheese entryways, nationwide.

3. Teen Critical After Second Shark Attack
"Too many teeth," he says

4. NASA: Shuttle to Take Off Despite Concerns
Concern over who will pilot: statastician, mathmetician, or other statistician?

5. Lack of funds to hit Zambia food aid -UN agency
"Fine-elminate all non-beef imports," says ambassador.

6. Saudi Arabia issues new list of wanted militants
Saudi prince: "Now go do...that voo-doo...that you do...so WEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!

7. Britain's Blair to talk Africa, climate change on MTV
Ceremonial playing of "God Save the Queen" as he enters will render it closest thing to a music video to appear on channel in past 12 years.

8. Pope Marks Release of Pared-Down Catechism
Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub.

9. Mexico Officials Free 44 Kidnap Victims
After hearing tale of attempt to make it in music, thought they had suffered enough.

10. Process to Beatify John Paul II Opens
Ruddy-cheeked, platinum wigged corpse reveals that process to beautify him has completed.

11. Kyrgyz Officials Promise to Protect Uzbeks
Pick up their tridents and flap on over with extra sets of sea-turtle armor.

A Star Tribune Ten

1. Wal-Mart heir dies in crash.
Detectives suspect whatever he was driving was bought at Wal-Mart.

2. Leades hold 'friendly' talks
Humans will not fire diamonds out of bamboo tubes, Gorns to go easy on menacing trudge.

3. Boys' abduction rescue was hoax, police say
Irate police discover what they returned desperate mother was a three-foot, carboard-footed Shakeys birthday balloon.

4. Zamboni operator accused of DWI
Subsequently approached by producers for new Adam Sandler movie

5. Gas station owner accused of charging too little
Shot by great great great grandson of Jesse James

6. Craftsman tool sales in Kmart challenged in court
Jury quickly convinced that no one seeking quality tools would have ever entered a KMart

7. Gophers QB Curry is recovering
What a sack!

8. Maybe you can just say, 'Aaah, skip it, Doc'
What you can say to Jim Carrey when he tells you he is thinking about auditioning for new live action "Bugs Bunny" feature.

9. Carpenter ants are invading
And Ant-Friend Bartlett with his 1,000,000-strong special operations Black Ant Corps are there to stop it.

10. TV network for gays to debut
Good Afternoon America, Good Evening America, and Good Night America being considered.

11. Google introduces video channel
FCC regects bid, citing numerous other "google" channels, including Cinemax, Showtime and, on occasion, USA Network.

Psychiatrists: Cruise comments 'irresponsible'
Telling clients that the ship is headed towards an iceberg in the South Pacific just isn't cool.



Brown: Scared of 'myself, sometimes'
Ever since doing the theme from Ghostbusters Two.



High court split on Ten Commandments
"Dude, the trunk of an elephant IS its penis!" Puff...puff...



Hubble spies comet belching dust
Hubble and comet not talking after Hubbles "Aren't you gonna say excuse me" comment



Inner-city students learn the art of debate
Packing heat without the bulge is the key to success



Nasdaq down, Dow flat
Shirt down, Kristin Steinbrook flat



Program aims to prevent gym dropouts
Gym teachers promise to revamp wardrobe


Drill instructors accused of going too far
"The Erotic Thrust That Shook Your Deep Cavern of Pleasure" textbook discovered in an all girls Drilling class at a local High School was recently confiscated

GlisTENing with Sweat

1.
Ed Koch Calls for Withdrawal
Withdrawal set for next week. Former mayors of New York hold an inexplicable amount of sway.
2.
Nurse Admits Killing Five More Patients
Authorities regret giving nurse freedom after admitting to first five killings.
3.
Bank of Mexico Decouples Policy From Fed
Offers free sombrero for opening new savings account.
4.
Ont., Que., Great Lakes states reach tentative deal to limit water diversions
Slip and Slide, always seen as dangerous, first to go.
5.
Alabama Hoops Coach Signs New Contract
With X.
6.
Stem cell debate hits close to home in House, Senate
All were once blasticysts.
7.
Dean: Democrats Must Cultivate Hispanics
JBart: Bachman's must use Hispanics to cultivate.
8.
Box: New Benefit Plan Omits Some Drugs
Box does not. There's room for everything in here.
9.
Cloning Pioneer Honored in South Korea
Or was he?
10.
Birth From Frozen Ovarian Tissue Reported
Episode 1 of Unfrozen Caveman Foetus begins.