Joan Sevenerence

1. Bomb Scare Halts Stones Show
"Bomb" scare should have halted 9 of last 10 albums

2. Adelphia founder indicted for tax evasion
Got nothing on "tax evasion" of Philadelphia founders

3. New York subway 'may be target of terrorist attack'
Bush 'may be about to deliver speech on terrorism'

4. Many nursing homes run risk of catastrophic fires
Whenever Mixdorf is in town

5. Police Kill Armed Man, Hostage in Fla.
Raising ire of armed men, hostages nationwide

6. ACLU Sues Over Conditions at La. Jail
UCLA sues over conditions at L.A. jail

7. Man allegedly drops pants in restaurant, eats customers' food
Not that they were going to eat it at that point, anyway

neveleven

1. Bush: U.S. Foiled at Least 10 Terror Plots
Mostly White House staffers lurking behind walls trying to scare Dick Cheney.
2. Cheney Throwing Stones at Democrats
Literally. It's the only thing that makes him feel better on the bad days.
3. Bush Presses Vaccine Makers on Bird Flu
Unwittingly killing them, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves.
4. Wildfire Season Unexpectedly Mild
Comfortable temperatures make firefighting more enjoyable.
5. Majority of Dead Katrina Victims Nameless
A shameful parental oversight.
6. Robert Blake tells jurors his slain ex-wife was great for casual sex
Most jurors already knew.
7. Chirac, Blair vow to be 'force of harmony' in EU
Force and harmony - two great tastes that taste great together.
8. White House denies Bush claimed divine inspiration
On the heals of a strong denial by God.
9. Hungary PM: U.S. Could Face Europe's Fate
Hopefully that means universal healthcare.
10. Democrats Urged to Abandon Election Myths
Extremely low turnout by Sasquatch, Yeti.
11. Drug helps combat teen heroin addiction
Create teen heroine addiction.

Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Eights

1. Six Africans Killed in Clashes at Enclave
Six Henchmen Killed in Clashes at Batcave

2. Hotel Chain Asks Katrina Evacuees to Leave
Assumes, because of group's name, that's simply what they do.

3. 2 Strategies on Policing Homeless
Both of them involve ending of "house arrest"

4. Seminar on Errors in Early Maps
Due to primitive coordinate systems, notations on where "be wilde beasts" often way, way off.

5. Testaverde becomes Jets starter (AP)
Stabbed by Puerto Rican right wing from San Jose Sharks

6. Picture Purr-fect
Writer of grade-school valentines reads headline and exclaims "ooh, ooh, where's my pen?"

7. Pastor Gets Unwelcome Supply of Viagra
Indirectly

8. Arm amputees rely on old devices
Having stumps fitted with stone knives

Seventh Day Headlinist

1. Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Flu Virus
Quickly regret it as phlegm begins to pour from every orifice.
2. High Court Weighs in on Assisted Suicide
Plan to intentionally miss next state of the union and fill chamber with poison gas.
3. Survey: 3 In 10 Students See Bullying
1 in 10,000 see ghosts of bullies.
4. Witness: 'Intelligent Design' Used in Book
Binding on the left, words running left to right, now that's intelligent design.
5. Counties Switch to Biodiesel School Buses
Bus fuel/greasy cafeteria food a match made in heaven.
6. New gym strategy boosts overweight kids' health
Making the fat fuckers run.
7. Pastor Gets Unwelcome Supply of Viagra
Decides to make the best of it.

Time's a waste, ten

1.Bush to Visit Argentina, Meet Counterpart
Jorge Arbusto, who, in this Anglo-Latin bizarro world, does right by the majority rather than influential friends.
2. Conservatives Split Over Bush Nominee
Now doubling every 24 hours, even as their individual power diminishes.
3. Bush: Miers Shares Constructionist Views
Once volunteered with Habitat for Humanity.
4. GOP-Backed Candidate Forced Into Runoff
Corporate fat-cat no match for spry vegan environmentalist.
5. Gay Community Still Divided Over 'Outing'
Trip to NASCAR event not appreciated by most attendees.
6. Suspect Says Vision Spurred Altar-Toppling
"Myopia makes me clumsy, what can I say?"
7. Halloween Bucket That Caught Fire Pulled
Gasoline that filled that bucket, not.
8. 17 Candidates Compete for Open House Seat
In poorest planned musical chairs game ever.
9. New Nickel Features a Cheerful Jefferson
Just back from visit with Sally Hemmings.
10. Official Offers Shuttle Foam Loss Theory
Drags out battered foam cooler he found camping at Eagle Mountain.

Ninely Featured Headlines

1. Search for Bodies Ends in New Orleans
FEMA really sucks. Search for bodies should have started in New Orleans

2. Graham Sees 'Revival' for New Orleans
Teams of clerics dispatched to deal with sudden, new aqua-zombie threat

3. Head-on collision
School bus driver regrets decision to run down Heckel.

4. Bard of St. Paul bows out
Town in inescapable loop of electing turncoat Democrats; no room for archer-heroes with noble lineage.

5. U.S. Millionaire Floats Into Space Station
Black coattails borne upon solar winds; though head ultimately cusioned from collision by top hat

6. DeLay: Indictment 'Abomination of Justice'
Everyone else: Indictment of 'Abomination of Justice'

7. Cheney Returns to Work With a Cane
Cheney only top hat away from being "The Penguin"

8. Kim Jong Il Could Soon Name His Successor
Legion of Doom's Black Manta

9. B.C. teachers' union says Liberals used legislative hammer to punish teachers
Judge was left pounding the bench with fist

10. Bush Preparing for Greenspan Successor
Probably the wisest decision he has made in entire term of presidency.

SheNINEagains

1. Hispanics Upset Bush Passed on Them
Lucky he didn't deport them.
2. Supreme Court Won't Hear Newspaper Suit
Despite all the loud 'swooshing'.
3. Giuliani to Mull 2008 Decision Next Year
One year early, no procastinator he.
4. Katrina Slams Outdoor Industry in La.
Indoor industries generally protected by roofs and, of course, doors.
5. Costly Sewer System Divides Calif. Town
Requires bridges.
6. Monks who make world's best beer have a message
"We're tired of buggering each other when drunk - please send women."
7. Colin Powell picks up French book prize for autobiography
Can't read French, just puts it on the shelf.
8. Google Morphs Into Multifaceted Juggernaut
The story of which earns campfire derision.
9. Bill would expand U.S. DNA database
Bill just born.