Obfusc Eight

1. German doing well after 1st double arm transplant
Wishes the nurse would come to scratch his back.
2. Woman says she was shot in the leg by her stove
Husband, standing slightly behind her, points at the side of his head and rotates his finger.
3. Analysis: Obama, McCain defy stereotypes in debate
McCain avoids mentioning his lawn, Obama his peeps.
4. 14-year-old Iowa girl abandoned under Nebraska law
Law, written on enormous piece of parchment, folded into tent-like structure.
5. Ferry finds songwriting boring
Prefers carrying people across bodies of water.
6. NYC man sued over 25-foot Viagra rocket
Still erect after more than four hours despite warnings.
7. New Flying Dinosaur Drone to Resemble Pterodactyl
Used in land grab foiled by meddling kids.
8. St. John's Wort effective for depression: study
Paintings of giant facial affliction hilarious.

Hate

1. Retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion
Retirees considering drinking even crappier coffee to save money.
2. Nepal appoints 3-year-old as new living goddess
Parents always new she was special.
3. R. Kelly seeks $3.4 million from tour promoter
Promoter demands he tour.
4. NKorea reportedly fires missile into Yellow Sea
Possible hoax based on incorrect translation of masturbation fantasy.
5. Dozens injured in Qantas mid-air jet drama
Pilot's participation in improvised staging of Macbeth perhaps shortsighted.
6. President makes quick, long-awaited return home
Really had to pee.
7. Scientists develop solar cells with a twist
Fresh lemony scent!
8. Task force: Colon cancer screenings can stop at 75
76 year olds breathe a lot easier, may still go just for the company.