Snatching victory from the Eightgony of Defeat

1. Oil Company Execs Defend Huge Profits
Show up to hearings looking like guy on Monopoly box.
2. A chat with the brains behind Myst
Using a strict set of questions and only able to turn your head in 90 degree increments.
3. Amtrak President David Gunn Is Fired
Only fans of irony injured.
4. Space Telescope Sees 'Mountains of Creation'
Declare, "zounds! what mounds!"
5. Congo's Hippos Hunted, Eaten to Extinction
Translation of popular childhood game goes horribly wrong.
6. Diarrhea Hits Pakistan Quake Survivors
Stored in large container high in the mountains.
7. Calif. Rejects Schwarzenegger Initiative
If only Hollywood would do the same.
8. Texas voters add gay marriage ban to constitution
Add gay marriage to long list of capital offenses.

Fee fie foe Ten

1. Cruise Hires Publicist to Replace Sister
Christmas should be very awkward.
2. Gigantic Apes Coexisted with Early Humans, Study Finds
Study sponsored by producers of King Kong, in theaters December 2005.
3. Mathematicians Predict Cy Young Winners
Having no better use to put their skills.
4. Escaped Death-Row Inmate Returns to Texas
Maybe not a wise choice. Defense to plead insanity.
5. Drug Runners Use PR As Stepping Stone
Pitfall Harry uses crocodile heads.
6. Bush Diplomacy Means Settling for Less
As it is with his presidency, and even his life.
7. Lawyers Wrangle Over DeLay Trial Locale
Previously would have 'wrastled', but that practice was outlawed in 1992.
8. Dutch to Return Maori Head to N. Zealand
Far too late for its previous owner.
9. Spacewalkers capture themselves on TV
The one where the Russian gets hit in the nuts with a wrench won them $10,000.
10. Fireballs seen over Germany spark UFO speculation
Dragons, errant wizards ruled out.