Snatching victory from the Eightgony of Defeat

1. Oil Company Execs Defend Huge Profits
Show up to hearings looking like guy on Monopoly box.
2. A chat with the brains behind Myst
Using a strict set of questions and only able to turn your head in 90 degree increments.
3. Amtrak President David Gunn Is Fired
Only fans of irony injured.
4. Space Telescope Sees 'Mountains of Creation'
Declare, "zounds! what mounds!"
5. Congo's Hippos Hunted, Eaten to Extinction
Translation of popular childhood game goes horribly wrong.
6. Diarrhea Hits Pakistan Quake Survivors
Stored in large container high in the mountains.
7. Calif. Rejects Schwarzenegger Initiative
If only Hollywood would do the same.
8. Texas voters add gay marriage ban to constitution
Add gay marriage to long list of capital offenses.