First and Ten

1.
FAA at Fatal Hot Air Balloon Accident Site
Suspicious link between aircraft accidents and FAA.
2.
U.S. Weighs Consolidating Bomb Materials
Into one big mother-fucking bomb.
3.
US Airways, America West Agree to Merge
FAA to investigate.
4.
Greenspan slams Fannie and Freddie
In Federal Reserve Cage Match of Death IV.
5.
Photos of Underwear-Clad Saddam Published
This month's centerfold in Dirty Dictator magazine.
6.
Bush promises probe into Saddam underwear pictures
'Pictures' slow in coming to end of the sentence, and said rather loudly.
7.
Jump on board this 'Maximum Ride'
Baby!
8.
Bush: Ideology Motivates Iraq Insurgents
Rather than just boredom.
9.
Official: U.N. Not Bloated Bureaucracy
As he struggles to rise from his velvet couch, face smeared with chocolate.
10.
Newfangled Forecasting Enrages Britons
Old Britons particularly.

News Center 7

1.
Type 2 Diabetics Battle Blood Sugar Woes
This week on FOX.
2.
Kan. Theft Suspect in Critical Condition
KS still missing.
3.
Woman Says Quran Came in Mail Desecrated
Desecrated Quran's 'r' Us satisfies another customer.
4.
Terrorism by Activist Extremists Rising
Terrorism by quadreplegic senior citizens at all time low.
5.
NATO 'very worried' about Uzbekistan violence
Warns 'you wouldn't like us when we're very worried'
6.
Amazon Deforestation Up 6 Percent in 2004
And that's just for their books.
7.
If You Want to Win in Sports, Wear Red
Though red sweatpants seem to have little effect.

HasTEN Jason, Bring a Basin

1.
Senate Takes Up Debate on Bush Judge
Ass judges left to themselves - latest 'Field of 64' due anytime.
2.
2 Convicted, 2 Acquitted in Gang Slay
Fighters wade into Xvart encampment, magic users enjoy the show.
3.
Predicting Oracle's Next Move
Competing seer swings into action.
4.
FBI: Grenade at Bush Rally Was Live
As usual, crowd was not.
5.
Lockout Cripples Finnish Paper Industry
Bjorn scolded for not getting that extra key made.
6.
Southern Egypt Family Fued Declared Over
al Hatfields and bin McCoys mend a long standing rift.
7.
Martinez could miss Subway Series
Left his tokens in his other pants.
8.
Laura Bush to Make Solo Middle East Trip
Inspired by Motorcycle Diaries, plans trip through Holy Land with Condi Rice.
9.
Study: 18 Pct. of Adults Obese in Ireland
Despite diet of sausage and beer.
10.
Study: Herb Helps Curb Binge Drinking
Leads to increase in 'munchies'.

Reticent Seven

1.
More Bodies Found in Iraq, Total Up to 45
US rolls out new approach. Why train them if their just going to be killed anyway?
2.
Explicit sex in Mexican film causes stir at Cannes
Explicit sex in any film causes stir in pants.
3.
UPS Inc. to Buy Overnite for About $1.25B
Plans to redefine 'overnite' to mean anything from 3 days to a week.
4.
What's Spooking the Street
That shifty-eyed dark feller.
5.
Ethiopia election draws huge voter turnout
Promise of free handful of rice really pays off.
6.
French politician says he's being 'used' in oil-for-food scandal
Unclear whether he means he is oil or food.
7.
Professor Details Fight Against Narcolepsy
While slumped against mountain of empty Mountain Dew cans.

The D8ting Scene (tech heavy edition)

1. Sober Virus Behind Spam Barrage
Wud U Lik 2 See My 4arm?

2. Firefox's New Beau
StarFox. Red states up in arms.

3. Pollsters Left Out in Cell-Phone World
No one really bemoans undersampling of loud-mouthed assholes in the aisles at Target.

4. Nintendo to launch new game console in 2006
Also promises "...instructions that explain why one of the scientists in Xenophobe is a duck."

5. Next-generation gaming consoles to dominate show
Or, at least folks that are quite familiar with TNG.

6. Sony's New Vaio Laptops Open Up New Possibilities
Penis ports.

7. When Is a Baked-Bean Can a Wi-Fi Network Antenna?
When you're Gibbons and trying to install it in the dashboard of your car

8. Microsoft to offer anti-virus software, service
Thus ending 18-year service-free run.