Four, the love of Nancy

1. Virginia man sheds 80 pounds eating at McDonald's
Entirely by shitting. His colon is very tired.
2. Bush promises help for flood-weary Iowans
Little help for Bush-weary Americans everywhere.
3. Rock band Staind gearing up for album, tour
Hoping to earn enough to buy back rights to missing 'E'.
4. Oasis extend deal at Sony BMG
Deal involves them never being seen in public again.

Gary Seven

1. UN classifies rape a 'war tactic'
Peacekeeping forces to begin using it on Sudanese rebels.

2. U.S. Said to Compromise on Beef for South Korea
Burundi ambassador: "So...you're not just going to throw that compromised beef away, are you?"

3. Prosecutors Build Bear Stearns Case on E-Mails
It's just like "You Got Mail," but involving top-level executives instead of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, and investor fraud instead of love.

4. China Presses Injured Athletes in Quest for Gold
As would we all, when the cold, pitiless gleam of gold lights upon our eyes.

5. Burst Levees Force a Town to Consider Its Future
In 1.5 seconds.

6. Culver aides: McCain ignored request to cancel Iowa visit
"Please don't visit our state" petition a sign that campaign is going far worse than originally feared.

7. McCain seeks limits on government assistance
Does this during a time of recession, record energy costs, a foreclosure crisis, and unprecedented flooding. Keep going, you dottering old fool.

ThreeSome

1. J.Lo performs at elementary school graduation
Next stop, Iowa State Fair opening for Ringo Starr and his All Star Band.
2. Official: US envoy's convoy stoned in S. Lebanon
Local supply of falafel entirely consumed to satisfy munchies.
3. Canada's Mounties say to curb Taser use
Emphasize long O in 'don't tase me bro'.

Elevensies

1. See a Huge Moon Illusion Wednesday
Gullible listeners likely to be horrified, disappointed.
2. Gay couples rush to get married in California
Not first 'rush' in CA history involving men willing to pleasure each other.
3. At Vermont lake, new controversy over nude beach
Not enough hot girls.
4. 2 Denali backpackers missing; search in third day
Giant sport utility vehicle has lots of crevices, out of the way places.
5. George Takei of `Star Trek' gets marriage license
Deep voiced "I do" only audible to elephants.
6. 6 centuries of scientific books to be sold in NYC
In slap in the face to Catholic Church, which tried to burn them all.
7. Hey, Buddy, Put Your Clothes On
That's no moon illusion.
8. Man, dog in car survive plunge down remote cliff
Toonces vows to try again.
9. Mariners move Ichiro Suzuki back to right field
All of them. Off season weight gain limits his mobility.
10. Massachusetts to spend $1 billion on biotechnology
Giant cloned army set to conquer Rhode Island.
11. ED an Indicator of Men's Health
Or subscription thereto.

The Sixth Sheik's Six

1. The myth of oil changes
Corolla Car Car by Dan H: Chapter One.
2. Chad town 'under attack by Sudan'
Wolfs to the walls! Cliftons seek shelter immediately!
3. Scans see 'gay brain differences'
As reported by seventh-grade researchers. Other observations include "gay" cell structures, "gay" tree rings, and "totally gay" semiconductors.
4. Gore attacks Bush in Detroit
Uses board, gouges eyes. 73% of public approves.
5. Burlington Residents Hunker Down as River Swells
Despite repeated warnings to "hunker up"
6. Barack Obama Chides Absentee Fathers
But admits grudging respect for their aim, range.