Gary Seven

1. UN classifies rape a 'war tactic'
Peacekeeping forces to begin using it on Sudanese rebels.

2. U.S. Said to Compromise on Beef for South Korea
Burundi ambassador: "So...you're not just going to throw that compromised beef away, are you?"

3. Prosecutors Build Bear Stearns Case on E-Mails
It's just like "You Got Mail," but involving top-level executives instead of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, and investor fraud instead of love.

4. China Presses Injured Athletes in Quest for Gold
As would we all, when the cold, pitiless gleam of gold lights upon our eyes.

5. Burst Levees Force a Town to Consider Its Future
In 1.5 seconds.

6. Culver aides: McCain ignored request to cancel Iowa visit
"Please don't visit our state" petition a sign that campaign is going far worse than originally feared.

7. McCain seeks limits on government assistance
Does this during a time of recession, record energy costs, a foreclosure crisis, and unprecedented flooding. Keep going, you dottering old fool.