Nein!

1. Democrats Obama, Clinton meet privately
Quiet meal featured schnitzengruben.
2. Eagle wounded by poacher gets new beak, new look
New beak features missile launcher. This time it's payback!
3. De la Fuente recovering from `Dancing' injury
Had been 'dancing' with himself.
4. Fisher scores 13, Lakers lead Celts 51-46 at half
Lucky for Celtics fans, game included two halves.
5. Black Japanese watermelon sold at record price
Black watermelon in local man's garbage thought to be worthless.
6. Clinton might find inspiration in Senate portraits
Michaelangelo too sought motivation from paintings of stodgy old men.
7. Fossilized fish reveals first vertebrate sex
Rights to photos optioned by Penthouse.
8. Eating Habits Not Sole Cause of Thinness or Obesity
Lazy assedness also plays a significant role.
9. Telltale toenail nicotine predicts heart problems
Also complete misunderstanding of where cigarette goes.