OU81 13

1. NHL player lacerates spleen
Millions of anxious theatre-goers await release of Blades of Glory 2

2. Republicans preparing 'liberal' attacks for Obama
Utilizing liberal interpretations of fact

3. GM posts $3.3 billion loss, blames weak U.S. market
Asks Wall Street to consider earnings statement with respect to operations in Canada, Cuba, and The Isle of Man.

4. David Blaine breaks world record for breath-holding
Thanks to Guinness lifting the long-held regulation against being dead.

5. McKellen reprises Gandalf role (AP)
Briefly, as he hits Orkin man over head with a stick

6. Clinton visits gas station for cameras
She really likes those little disposable ones

7. McCain seeks tax credit to help buy health insurance
Wife stops funding his sugar-daddy lifestyle

8. Outside groups compete for political ad time
In a new C-SPAN reality TV show

9. Grand Theft Auto IV: Fans abuzz, critics aghast
And all's right with the world

10. Fed Cuts Rate by a Quarter Point, to 2%
Sub head: "It was 2 1/4"

11. China Investigates Forced Child Labor
Finds it to be quite a lucrative and appealing option.

12. Federal Contracting Chief Is Forced Out
Right through the roof. Federal Contracting Chief, with an accidental utterance of "Enuk-Chuck," found to be Apache Chief in disguise.

13. Starbucks Profit Falls as Consumer Weakens
Consumers can no longer lift "Grande" size; have all been opting for "large"