Four, the love of Nancy

1. Virginia man sheds 80 pounds eating at McDonald's
Entirely by shitting. His colon is very tired.
2. Bush promises help for flood-weary Iowans
Little help for Bush-weary Americans everywhere.
3. Rock band Staind gearing up for album, tour
Hoping to earn enough to buy back rights to missing 'E'.
4. Oasis extend deal at Sony BMG
Deal involves them never being seen in public again.