Punchy ten

1. As Gustav nears, Gulf Coast puts faith in planning
Bible belt now lashed firmly to anything that'll float.
2. Afghans say deadly US raid based on misleading tip
From jive-talkin' street thug Huggy Bear.
3. Top-seeded Ivanovic upset by Coin at US Open
Already has Delaware.
4. Lindsay Lohan lashes out at father on blog
Father likely to never find out.
5. Small GPS devices help prosecutors win convictions
Finding the courthouse critical first step.
6. 90 Days on Mars: Phoenix Lander Sends Martian Postcard
Featuring inexplicable palm trees.
7. Judges refuse to rehear W. Pa. ex-Nazi guard case
Just too depressing.
8. Disposable diaper breaks fall, saves child's life
Shoots feces more than two blocks.
9. Woods' golf limited to video game
May never return to PGA.
10. McCain makes decision on running mate
In form of robotic Ronald Reagan.

The President That Might Have Ten

1.Kate Moss in Solid Gold
What 58% of Americans Would Hope For If We Develop Time-Machine

2. New York man fakes robbery to pay off mortgage
Less Ethically Dubious Yet, Unfortunately, Far Less Lucrative than "Real Robbery" Alternative

3. Tourists flee as Gustav churns toward Jamaica
Giant, Retarded German Inches His Pedalboat Ever Nearer Dream Vacation Spot

4. Ethiopia hints at leaving Somalia
On the WB's Moesha

5. Hackers prepare supermarket sweep
As is Expected of them in their Day Jobs

6. Toyota Cuts Sales Goal
Promptly Announces Last Quarter Profits Exceeded Expectations

7. Obama plays some hoops, works on speech
Lazy, Racist Reporter Makes Assumption

8. Anticipating Obama With A Debate Team
Come On, He's not THAT young!

9. Today Marks Dual Landmarks In American History
"I Have a Dream" Speech and Invention of GigaPet

10. Joshua Green Describes The View From Denver
A lot of local damned ads featuring John Elway

Carrying my w-eight

1. Kennedy to appear, may speak at convention
Possibly replaced by much cuter Chinese girl.
2. Tiger Woods says his 2009 schedule uncertain
Might be able to squeeze you in on March 8th, twoish.
3. Research aims to put tongues in control of devices
Sales of disinfectant wipes to soar.
4. Photo Shows Stars Born in Huge Cosmic Wombs
People magazine releases Brangelina exclusives.
5. Man who supplied strippers to NY teen bash is shot
Really, just exhausted.
6. Iran kicks off production of locally built sub
Customer requested extra mayo, no pork.
7. Cheney to visit war-torn Georgia
Needs to recharge his batteries.
8. 3.4 Million Seniors Hit Medicare 'Doughnut Hole'
Wash it down with crappy coffee.

Teeny tiny ten

1. This week, investors eye oil prices, spending data
Last week, that new secretary.
2. Rice in longshot bid for Mideast peace progress
Making hapless spectator's halftime midcourt shot for a car look like a Lebron James dunk.
3. Man, pregnant girlfriend charged in Md. standoff
Barely avoiding the classic Mexican stand-off.
4. In Kenya slum, sun and sewage equals progress
When progress measured in stink units.
5. Aborigine wants boomerang to return from Britain
Maybe shouldn't have thrown it so far.
6. Obama attends church, barbecue in Wisconsin
Beer available at both.
7. Bernanke says inflation outlook "uncertain"
Proving once and for all his controversial use of Magic Eight Ball.
8. Scientists nail childhood nerve cancer gene
Share raucous high five, later beer.
9. Victims of Britain's tainted blood scandal speak
Employ Soft Cell to write theme.
10. Exercise and limited TV time may keep kids trim
Defying all previous understanding.