One for Each Two Members of The Jets

1. A student dead; another arrested

For being too close to a dead guy

2. Help sought making

"Understand this, I do not even," replies Yoda.

3. Authorities seek to commit man for life

What happens when you apply for "shotgun bridge" wedding license through federal government.

4. Contractors Say Marines Behaved Abusively

Urinated on their drywall.

5. Soldier Gets Life for Gunning Down GIs

But nothing will bring back my PC and registered copy of ArcInfo

6. G8 Agrees to Historic Debt-Relief Plan

IG-88's plan to alleviate suffering quicker, more cruel

7. Insurgents in Iraq Go on Killing Spree

Correction, they go on killing like Spree. Begin systematic chocking of PJ Carlesimo.

One for each of the Brady brood

1.
Man Says 'Something Bad Happened' to Teen
Man later discovered to be the perpetrator by group of meddling kids.
2.
2,200 Journalists Await Jackson Verdict
Proving irrefutably that there are way too many journalists.
3.
Giant Balls of 'Snot' Explain Ocean Mystery
Does not explain 'crispy' drapes.
4.
Mandelson Urges China to Rethink Currency
Not all bills and coins should have a picture of Chairman Mao, it's confusing.
5.
Morissette Has Gotten Over Her Anger
And subsequently, her success. Happy doesn't sell.
6.
Pacers Admire Duncan's Quiet Brilliance
Knocked out of the playoffs TWO ROUNDS ago, finally find their voice.

One for Each Member of the Cast of "Eight is Enough"

1. Triangle construction goes forward despite higher cost
Sesame Street continues preparation for blockbuster sketch.

2. Church Sex Case Stuns Louisiana Town
Line crossed in eyes of beastiality & incest-ridden community

3. Student Dies in Fall on Mount Logan
Back broken instantly on pointy peak. Where he fell from, we may never know.

4. Creationism Teacher Is Told to Stop
Teacher unconvinced of evolution since he has seen no evidence of it in self, acquaintances.

5. Army Misses Recruiting Goal for 4th Month
Pvt. 1st Class Wood Sending Everybody into the Queue

6. Securities lawyers await verdict in Scrushy trial
Convenience store lawyers await verdict in Squishy trail

7. Naomi Watts Celebrates IFC Center Opening
Gets bucket of wings and some cole slaw

8. Tenn. Town Warming Up to 'Bonnaroonies'
Still not sure what they are, but if they come so highly recommended by lovable Chief Engineer Scott, they must be OK.

One for Each Beatle

Mexico border city fights to restore law

Solicits help from Hollwood's Three Amigos.


Mugabe defends evicting shack dwellers

"Eviciting shack dwellers is fun and inexpensive," reports Mugabe. "And the dwellers don't seem to mind that much anyway."


Tape captures Nixon-Felt conversation

Available for download now. This is gonna be bigger than Tommy and Pamela!



Microsoft CEO warns of internet dangers


"If you buy non Microsoft products, it very well could get you killed."

Elevenses

1.
Bolivia Lawmakers Scramble for New Leader
God damn he loves eggs!
2.
Missing Student's Body Found in N.Y.
Though his heart remained in the bayous of LA.
3.
Man Delivers Pizza After Being Shot in Leg
When T-Clog says 30 minutes, he means it.
4.
Cuban Brothers' Identity Switch Backfires
Even they don't remember which is which.
5.
Madonna Releases Final Children's Book
Buys rights to all children's printed entertainment.
6.
Atari Inc. President and CEO Steps Down
Swings on vine and runs across the heads of three crocodiles.
7.
Ex-Steelers Lineman Terry Long Dead at 45
Genetic merger of Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw never had much of a future.
8.
Bush Holds Up Turkey Democracy As Example
Low fat alternative to actual democracy.
9.
Pot Clubs, Patients Vow Business As Usual
First rule of Pot Club - bring brownies.
10.
Surfer May Have Been Bitten by Shark
Might have just slipped in the shower.
11.
Jesus died of blood clot - Israeli researcher
Jews try to avoid responsibility in eons old controversy.

Humus and the pool of Jackson

Orgasms hereditary

Yikes!



Britain admits contact with Hamas

Madonna admits contact with Humus


US leads in mental illness

Gibbons, Mixdorf, Hylton, and Levendusky push country into number one spot.



Experimental Ebola Vaccine Works in Monkeys

"It kills them cold, but it works," explains Dr. Williamson.



Security tape key to Crowe's fate

Clearly shows man pushing cart aimlessly around room.


Jackson jury completes second day of deliberation

What is it? The deliberation continues. Faith No More to provide entertainment.


There were four Deep Throats

Three of the four lovingly administered by Monica Lewinski.



Body parts fall from plane approaching JFK

Patrons prefer the soft penis as opposed to the hard heads.

Celebra Ten

1.
Experts Warn of Intelligence Confusion
Regret taking that 9 for Wisdom.
2.
Pope condemns gay marriages as fake and anarchic
Adds to list with round Earth and heliocentrism.
3.
Bolivia President Offers to Resign
"Gotcha! I meant re-sign"
4.
Jagr Has Finger Surgery
Long time fan tired of slip-on giant finger.
5.
Group: Legalized Marijuana Is Long Shot
Same group finds trip to fridge difficult.
6.
Bush Returning Funds From Coin Dealer
Thought he could get his face on the quarter.
7.
Senate to Issue Anti-Lynching Apology
Sucking up to the south goes one step too far.
8.
Court: Ships Must Provide Disabled Access
Yarr! Shivering timbers now even easier for Peg Leg and his crew of scalliwags.
9.
Korean Scientist Values Religious Groups
Finds them tasty.
10.
'Super' bacteria live on sheets, fingernails-study
Also found on drapes, buried in backyard, god knows where else.

Five Talkin'

1. So, What's Not to Like About Amiable Advisor?
He keeps registering you for TCA classes.

2. Demobilized Fighters on Rise in Colombia
The so called, "Christopher Reeve Brigade" stirring fear in the hearts of Latin Americans.

3. Severe Thunderstorms Sweep Across Mich.
Leveling hospitals and factories in its southward course then, in a move defying any phenomenon known to meteorology, changes direction suddenly and wipes out band of rebels to the northeast before heading off into Lake Huron.

4. Wis. Girl Who Survived Rabies Turns 16
Eats cake and candles, then growls, yips, and flings mouth-froth at fellow party-goers.

5. Insects Post Hazard for Firefighters
Particularly if those insects are careless smokers.