10 jabs

1. White House admits fault on 'Mission Accomplished' banner
Used the wrong font.
2. McCain blames Minnesota bridge collapse on wasted money
Should not have piled it there.
3. Stocks dip with investors flummoxed over Fed
Fred breathes sigh of relief - this time it's not him doing the flummoxing.
4. Report: Microsoft board still mulling next Yahoo move
Whatever it is, it's certain to involve a pickup truck, guns, and canned beer.
5. Pentagon officials may beef up command role in Afghanistan
Burundi volunteering eager contingent.
6. US report says al-Qaida gaining strength
Cardio improved too.
7. Giant squid has world's largest eyes
Disney considers role in upcoming animated feature.
8. Australian scientists develop apple that doesn't go brown
Tastes like shit.
9. Albert Hofmann, father of drug LSD, dies in Switzerland
Or maybe just thinks he does, after giant spider attack.
10. Radiohead takes on sweatshops, human trafficking
Despite heavy themes, songs sound amazing.

OU81 13

1. NHL player lacerates spleen
Millions of anxious theatre-goers await release of Blades of Glory 2

2. Republicans preparing 'liberal' attacks for Obama
Utilizing liberal interpretations of fact

3. GM posts $3.3 billion loss, blames weak U.S. market
Asks Wall Street to consider earnings statement with respect to operations in Canada, Cuba, and The Isle of Man.

4. David Blaine breaks world record for breath-holding
Thanks to Guinness lifting the long-held regulation against being dead.

5. McKellen reprises Gandalf role (AP)
Briefly, as he hits Orkin man over head with a stick

6. Clinton visits gas station for cameras
She really likes those little disposable ones

7. McCain seeks tax credit to help buy health insurance
Wife stops funding his sugar-daddy lifestyle

8. Outside groups compete for political ad time
In a new C-SPAN reality TV show

9. Grand Theft Auto IV: Fans abuzz, critics aghast
And all's right with the world

10. Fed Cuts Rate by a Quarter Point, to 2%
Sub head: "It was 2 1/4"

11. China Investigates Forced Child Labor
Finds it to be quite a lucrative and appealing option.

12. Federal Contracting Chief Is Forced Out
Right through the roof. Federal Contracting Chief, with an accidental utterance of "Enuk-Chuck," found to be Apache Chief in disguise.

13. Starbucks Profit Falls as Consumer Weakens
Consumers can no longer lift "Grande" size; have all been opting for "large"

9 + 1

1. Police: Austrian kids locked in basement, never saw sunlight
Expecting their new nanny any day, recently released from convent.
(truly, this is one of the most despicable stories)
2. Dean says Clinton or Obama will know when to drop out
Millions of supporters think otherwise.
3. Ready to Move Up, and Maybe Move On
Recently purchased deluxe apartment in eastside highrise.
4. Donna Summer releasing first album in 17 years
Unsuspecting world amazed last album was that recent.
5. Women are told they can have it all but is it realistic?
Sadly, only a deception used to gain sight of them naked.
6. U.S. among most Bible-literate nations: poll
Many things apparently lost in translation.
7. Media seeks access to R. Kelly pretrial hearings
Considering remix album.
8. A glance at some chemicals awaiting risk assessments
Could kill you.
9. Gunk in T. Rex Fossil Confirms Dino-Bird Lineage
Junk confirms it was a male.
10.Exercise-heart study casts doubt on 'fit but fat' theory
And being limber doesn't count you fat fucks.