Saturday Night's Alright for Fiving.

1.
Missing-Girl Case Focuses on Three Men
Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson sought for questioning.
2.
Few Clues to Idaho Children's Whereabouts
Other than Idaho.
3.
Spokane Mayor Again Says He Won't Resign
Demands to know if we are deaf.
4.
Dean: West Fertile Ground for Democrats
Bill CLinton volunteers to 'fertilize'.
5.
Scientists Enjoy Close-Up Look at Moose
Moose wishes coffee breathed, smoke-stained teethed scientists would back up a little bit

Straight Eight

1.
Scientists Reverse Sex Roles in Fruit Flies
Desperate scientists live vicariously.
2.
Alabama Teen Still Missing in Aruba
First trip out of state and she's never going back.
3.
Police looking for naked masked man
Elderly Zorro stricken with Alzheimer's.
4.
Chan 'Battles' Copyright Pirates
Hong Kong movie industry running out of ideas.
5.
Eric Wright Leaves USC After Arrest
Heads to jail.
6.
Menard Ordered to File Late EEOC Reports
Goofy, toothy grin and enthusiasm wiped from announcers face.
7.
Bangladesh floods a curse and a blessing
Mostly a curse.
8.
EU deadlocked over latest GMO maize approval
Minotaur weighs in in favor of maize.

Even Seven

1.
Tech-Minded Kids Hike to Computer Camp
Only 1 in 3 survive arduous journey over level ground.
2.
Friend Says Teen Was Fine Before Killings
Friend doesn't know shit.
3.
Feds Investigate Hot-Selling Toyota Hybrid
Cannot tolerate such good gas mileage.
4.
Microcaps Can Add a Lift to Portfolios
Do little to disguise bed head.
5.
As jobs move to the suburbs, more people take their cars to work: StatsCan
Canada creates Bureau of Obvious Fucking Statistics.
6.
Puerta Defeats Canas at French Open
Doorknob too confusing.
7.
Congress to Study Slaves Role in Capitol
Republicans drunk with power.

Strict Nine

1.
Ump Faces Molestation Charges
Position behind catcher never seemed right.
2.
'Deep Throat' Reportedly Comes Forward
Gay porn star can do it all.
3.
Bush: America Will Honor Fallen Soldiers
As fast as he can create them.
4.
Judge: Jurors will not see images of Michael Jackson's penis
Secret of smaller nose mystery solved there.
5.
Nicaragua Leader Declares Energy Emergency
Orders six pack of Red Bull.
6.
Australian scientists stunned by crab invasion
As usual, scientists unable to defend themselves.
7.
Researchers Use Maps to Research Obesity
Maps show clearly the locations of Tubbytown and Flabbyville.
8.
Obesity Fight Brings Missouri Town Closer
Like inflating balloons in a box.
9.
Feds Examine Impotence Drug-Blindness Link
Love IS blindness.

Ten More ial Day

1. Parents sought as new political force
Their credo: "This isn't a democracy."

2. Cigarette makers sought out women, study finds
And, in a move surprising no one, so did cigarette smokers.

3. Depression unrelated to level of chronic pain
But highly correlated to existence of it.

4. Thailand bans sweets in schools to tackle obesity: report
In response, Candyland bans Thai food.

5. Researchers Use Maps to Research Obesity
X-Rays of lard butts go to 1:24000 scale.

6. Hong Kong health boss urges review after drug-blunder deaths
Hong Kong Health Boss also the curious and slightly disappointing final adversary in Master Blaster.

7. U.S. Braces for West Nile Virus Season
Scheels stocking up on really tiny bullets.

8. Kang Wins Corning Classic by Two Shots
Compares Enterprise to a garbage scow while he's at it.

9. Bilingualism report cites 'real progress' but says federal services stalled
At the same time.

10. Ontario expected to pass law forcing hospitals to report gunshot injuries
Or risk them.