NinTendo

1. Father Tells Jilted Groom to Go Slowly
And hang his head in shame

2. Study: Africa Worst Place for Moms, Kids
Try the Science Museum, or Chuck-E-Cheese, instead!

3. Explosion at Somalian Rally Kills Seven
Rally, while criticized for its violence, praised for its authenticity.

4. Blair Allies Find Loyalty a Liability
Tarred and feathered for it

5. Pope Benedict Marks John Paul's Passing
As senile as his predecessor, he just now realized why it is he was made Pope.

6. Not-Guilty Plea Entered for BTK Suspect
Not-Guilty Plea Similarly Entered for BK Broiler Suspect (for reason of insatiability)

7. Brain Damaged Firefighter Makes Recovery
Recovers thermos, ashtray, paddle game

8. Fla. Judge OKs Abortion for 13-Year-Old
Activist judges take it to new level in historic "right to choose for the already born" case

9. Two Md. Women Sentenced in Birthday Attack
Strippers, accidentally ignited by birthday candles, were actually just flailing around screaming for someone to put them out.

10. Doc Pleads in Alcoholic Brother's Death
The much too often untold dark secret behind old west towns' lovable drunkard.