Seven Wonders of the Headline World

1.
al-Qaida's No. 3 Man Arrested in Pakistan
Entertains the boys during the long weeks in the cave by pissing and shitting simultaneously.
2.
Runaway Bride's Silence Angers Neighbors
Officials urge neighbors to stop living vicariously through others.
3.
Injured NY Firefighter Not As Talkative
During tree rescue, cat got his tongue.
4.
Names on W.Va. Vets' Memorial Misspelled
Woeful state of WV eductaional system strikes agin.
5.
New Computers Make Grocery Carts Smarter
One wheel still fucked up.
6.
Bush: Americans Ready to Invest S.S. Funds
German Americans, with 60 year anniversary of WWII having passed.
7.
Classic Spy Work Leads to al-Qaida Arrest
Bacarat with supervillian, followed by dalliance with sexy double agent.