I 8 NY

1. Attacks Halt Iraq's Southern Oil ExportAlbania's chief export, chrome, unhindered.

2. Kremlin Choice Wins in Chechnya Election
Typo on ballot leaves "Ida Know" as leader of the revolution

3. No Major Violence Reported at NYC Protests
All those in favor of violence INSIDE convention hall

4. We can't fix potholes for you, grant sanity to knuckleheads you meet on the road or keep you from missing your bus
But we can make a great tasting bacon hamburger for 99 cents

5. Looking at Warriors, seeing Cardinal
General asks power forward with puffy red face, receding hairline to replace battle helm.

6. Versatile forward Boykin picks Blue Devils
Along with every other versatile and/or talented forward, guard, or center

7. Garcia frustrated with lack of action
"Maybe tonight senior commandant will send ME out to stop the notorious El Zorro, eh?"

8. Scientists: Salmon Hatchery Policy Flawed
As they review series of events that resulted in entire facility being staffed by a bunch of Ursus Arctos