Headnines

1. Red-light runners to face 'photo cop'
And his trademark line "time to get negative"

2. Kobe gets another chance to prove he's worthy of his gifts
Like Chris Webber at the University of Michigan in 1988.

3. Israel-Syria in War of Words
Sharon considers unleashing the dreaded "F-bomb" on Damascus.

4. U.N. OKs Plan to Sway Lebanese Election
Jeb Bush called in to consult.

5. 2,500-Year-Old Hidden Tomb Found in Egypt
Under turnip. Super Mario sent to investigate.

6. Red Sox Take Control of AL Wild-Card Race
Put selves in ideal position for first round drubbing at the hands of the 1st-seeded Yankees.

7. Singh Could Have No. 1 on Horizon
Consuming prodigous amounts of coffee, Mountain Dew

8. Video Game Maker Acclaim Files for Bankruptcy
Nreeer-nreeer-nreeer-nreh nreh

9. Study: Atkins Diet May Bring Side Effects
Extreme Annoyance