Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, & Nine

1. Alaska Sea Otters to Get U.S. Protection
Will be cut off from poachers by network of refineries & pipelines.

2. White House Sides With N.H. on Abortion
If doctors are to be stopped from performing abortions, guns should be involved.

3. 'Erotic Show' Planned for N.Y. Fundraiser
Fundraiser for Hillary's campaign, but to be attended by Bill.

4. Government to Examine Payola, Vows Action
Line of Toyota cars that require about $800 a month in maintenance

5. Report Identifies Lapses in NIH Monitoring
No telling how many highly-intelligent rats may have escaped, and how their Machiavellian schemes may yet affect us.

6. India adds 2.49 mln mobile users in July
Cell phone use while driving epidemic in US nothing compared to India's impending disaster of cell phone use while biking

7. Apple iTunes Japan sells 1 mln songs in four days
Today is a good day for Queensryche.

8. Copy-protected CDs incompatible but sell well
People can't even play the music they buy but DON'T APPEAR TO FUCKING CARE!

9. IBM To Unveil Grid Computing Bundles At LinuxWorld
Computer engineer's 9-year old son's dreams dashed when family vacation booked for LinuxWorld.