Not Quite Enough

1. Creating a new form of life
Much like Tin Man, but capable of surviving in an environment of pure Uron.

2. Scientists trying to re-enact 'Big Bang'
Gang from 'Revenge of the Nerds,' Now Gainfully Employed, Still Up to Their Old Hijinks

3. Rural Virginia town goes high-tech, draws Obama
In Microsoft Paint.

4. Still cleaning up from Gustav, Gulf Coast finds itself in crosshairs of another hurricane
"Thanks a lot, you lousy Kraut," common refrain as paddleboat extricated from urine-soaked beach.

5. Brady Done for the Season
Not Even Encouragement from Joe Namath Can Bring Him Back After Errant Toss Breaks Sister's Nose

6. Estimates say budget deficit nearing $407B
407-B. That's My Aparment Number. Heigh-Ho!!!!

7. Russia to keep 7,600 troops in 2 Georgia regions
Confederacy of States Really Regretting Succession in Alternate Universe Hell

8. Titans asked for police help to find QB Young
AP Reporter, Oblivious of Jeff Fischer's Sarcasm Following Lackluster Performance vs. Jaguars