1. Iraq Won’t Grant Blackwater a License
Ominous request for "License to Kill" brazen, even for them.
2. Georgian Leader Faces Calls to Quit
Jefferson Davis Hogg, after decades of corruption and scheming.

3. Well: A Conversation About Prostate Cancer
Well, well, well! It's about time we had this talk!

4. Iraqi Candidates Hit Old-Fashioned Campaign Trail
Waving out of the backs of cabooses, speaking - inexplicably - from town square gazeebos in Small Town USA

5. Will The Super Bowl Stay 'Super'?
Only, if we can somehow, against all odds, encourage Sting to put his artistic integrity on the shelf for just one night to put together a special performance for the event.

6. Blagojevich Confronts His Senate Accusers
Asks what it'll cost to aquit him

7. Fed Could Buy Up Long-Term Treasury Bonds
US government, facing economic meltdown, invests entire stimulous package in what their financial advisor suggests is the "safest investment option"

8. More Bad News Brewing At Starbucks
Yeah, I'll take a tall one of those, with half-skim, skip the foam.

9. Peanut plant problem forces fresh recall
- "Problem" happens to be terrible, towering, 200' "Mr. Peanut," who is holding plant workers hostage, simply demanding "all peanuts"
- (alternate headline) New, sentient, robotic packagers make catastrophic erroneous assumption when working "salted nuts" line.

10. Turkish prime minister walks off stage over Gaza
Following real zinger. "Thanks, folks!"

11. East Africa: Burundi's Niyonzima Beats Other Contestants to Miss East Africa Title
For the Miss East Africa Title was buried in a 300 lb. pile of Grade-A, Certified Angus Beef