Whipped and beaTen

1.
Capitol Building, White House Evacuated
Dick Cheney emerges from undisclosed location and takes a shit.
2.
Sarin Vapor Detected From Weapons Pile
Scarin' vapor detected from Cheney's pile.
3.
Iraqi Insurgents Go on Rampage, Kill 60
Climb, punch buildings causing them to collapse.
4.
French Telecom Operators Announce Tie-Up
Call it le Tie-Up.
5.
'Star Wars' is over, but Lucas is far from his end
In early stages of script writing for Howard the Duck 2: Quack in Action.
6.
Lopez: Kidney Transplant Changed My Life
It alllowed moe to live.
7.
RealNetworks Buys Mr. Goodliving for $15M
Couldn'r afford Dr. Feelgood.
8.
Dell Founder Invests $99.5M in Red Hat
Hat better be filled with gold, grant wishes and give blow jobs.
9.
NHTSA Won't Require SUV Fire Extinguishers
More likely to crush people than set them on fire.
10.
Experts: Flares May Have Helped Planets
Especially when pulled onto the shoulder changing a tire.