Free wEights

1. Betancourt, 3 U.S. hostages freed from Colombian rebels
After they realize famous "finger insurance" was just a Guitar Center-junkie legend.

2. Women from Texas polygamist sect launch new clothing line
Designer sheets with a single hole in them

3. Large Fire Burns Warehouse In Green Isle
Hal Jordan loses shitload of leotards

4. Rush Limbaugh sets new deal (AP)
Elimination of social security, rural de-electrification, and tearing up of the US Interstate System.

5. Palestinian goes on rampage in Jerusalem
Enormous ape goes on rampage in Rampage.

6. Iran envoy dismisses attack threat
Australian envoy dismisses knife attack threat

7. Algae bloom is China's latest Olympic nightmare
And sender of a recent email with the subject "Are You Tired of Musturbate?"

8. Twins, agency team up to fight homelessness
Draft plans for $310 million retractable-roof home for the Twins.