Seven for Bert Blyleven

1. FBI pins 6 unsolved stickups of metro banks on gunman with bogus nose
Bogus nose made, conveniently, of cork.

2. Republicans Grapple for Answers After Loss
As usual, not with the aid of math or evidence.

3. Abroad, Obama Victory Brings a Welcome for the Familiar and Demands for Attention
Feline depository for his dark magic energies purrs, winds around his lower legs.

4. Former Penn State president pleads not guilty to cover-up
By raising right hand to do so, he exposes his balls, thus killing two birds with one stone.

5. Canada confident U.S. will approve major oil pipeline to Gulf 
Big-ass pipeline with sole purpose of sending steady stream of crude into the Gulf. Just as

6. Check Out 6 Scholarships for Gamers
Trying to fast-track education for new "X-Files" unit of FBI. "Xenophobe" experts encouraged to apply.

7. Tomb of Ancient Egyptian Princess Discovered in Unusual Spot
At top of vine extending from top of cube with flashing question mark.

Not Greight

1. Lady Gaga Labeled a "Slut" by NYC Politician for Onstage Pot Stunt

Politician's life sadly limited due to incorrect understanding of word 'slut'

2. UK court issues injunction in radical cleric case

Chaotic evil not tolerated.

3.How much can Greeks endure?

Seven labors of Hercules not instructive on this point.

4. Obama showering Ohio with attention and money

Ohioan's spirits buoyed by new black friend.

5. Local veteran recognized by Biden during campaign stop

Sarge!

6. The battle for white men

Rapidly being lost by the NFL.

7. Texas puts to death man who received three stays of execution

In Texas, the fourth time's the charm.

8. American Greetings Receives Buyout Offer

Can a  best wishes card be far behind?

Ernest Borg-nine

1. Plea possible today from dad accused of killing his 3 girls in River Falls
Only plea court is willing to hear at this point is "Kill me now"
2. Iran hosts the Non-Aligned Movement summit
Inviting mostly bears, pegusai, and druids
3. China, Wary of Arab Spring, Hosts Egypt's Morsi
Arab Spring a new Dove product reminiscent of Irish Spring, consisting of only an empty box
4. How could cannabis alter the teenage brain?
But more importantly, how could cannabis alter the 41 year-old brain?
5. It's time for some roster roulette

Here's to hoping it lands on black

6. Christie Gets His Time in Spotlight

Not only in spotlight, but extending about a half foot on either side of the spotlight

7. BM Pumps Up High-end Mainframe Speed, Capacity

Commodore stocks plunge

8. How will Christie lay out the party's vision?

With invective, spiteful language and a mocking tone, we can only assume.

9. Ann Romney recounts personal moment

Thereby dispelling the notion her husband never had one

The Sporting Life

1. Bulls' Rose uneasy with fame Still beat up

Local thugs don't care.

2. Paine: Too much Rondo bad for Celtics?

Likelihood of more than one being on a team at a time very low.

3. Spring football may have a new look in the future

More pastels.

4. Masters champion Watson pulls out of Quail Hollow

Not the quail's vagina.

5. Only 17 Kenyans show up for preliminary Olympic trials

That's probably enough.

6. Veteran Sludnov leads the way at Russian swim nationals

Allowing lazy headline writers to write Sludnov goodnov.

7. Colts owner has 3-hour meeting with Andrew Luck

Luck decides to stick with much less lucrative architecture career.

8. Valentine criticizes Youkilis, then apologizes

Youkilis' reputation as baseball goon from Bugs Bunny cartoon remains intact.

9. College chess champs uproot, move to Missouri

Improbable mecca of chess.

10. Playing nice? Mavericks' West tries wet willy

God only knows where Delonte West's finger has been.

Crazy Sweet!

Twinkies maker Hostess seeks bankruptcy protection

They need protection from fat bastards. They are going broke keeping fat people from beating down the gates and doors. Fat bastards are like zombies when they get their minds fixed on food.

Ten Commandments

1. Syrian woman 'dies in detention'

Syrian Breakfast Club more tragic than comic.

2. U.S. border police shoot man wielding replica pistol

At least one remembered the Alamo.

3. Iran asks Russia about building more nuke reactors

After awkward segway at UN bar.

4. Abbas speech lifts Palestinian spirits

ABBA's songs do even more.

5. Court throws out potash price-fixing lawsuit

No way to hold trial with such a funny name.

6. Marsalis says he and Clapton share blues roots

Clapton: anyone want to play the blues with me...anyone?

7. FACT CHECK: Slippery assertions in GOP debate

Hard to pay attention when competing with gay bashing and fear mongering.

8. Bristol CEO says "pure pharma" strategy paying off

And by Pharma he means bullshit.

9. Two Winthrop fishermen stranded in fog

Even fishermen are getting soft.

10. Belichick Disappointed By Early-Season Injuries

Will be more taciturn as a result.

12 Angry Headlines

1. Slippery assertions in GOP debate
Prompting Yankee owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

2.  Prosecutors show crime scene photos as Knox trial resumes
Footprints outside the window clearly made with socks

3. Netflix’s week goes from bad to worse
According to one subscriber who began a succession of streams that began with "Dr. No" and ended with "Octopussy" 

4. NBA postpones camps, cancels 43 preseason games
Players, the vast majority of whom have never camped, far more bothered by the latter


5. Analysts downgrade Pepsi, cite North America sales
Consumers denigrate Pepsi, cite taste


6. Texas Instruments completes $6.5B buy of National
All mid-size or larger car rentals to have overhead video monitor system offering Pickaxe Pete. 

7. Island nation to get its energy purely from coconuts and sunlight
According to new president, The Professor

8.  Panel to probe possible boxing fix for 2012 Games
Time-honored pastime of boxing match fixing one step closer to becoming Olympic sport

9.  Kobe gets $6.7 million offer to play in Italy


3 year old gets offer of $1 to play quietly in another room

10. Peacock and Morse lead Nats to sweep of Phillies
Manager, Mr. Body, later found murdered in a dugout with a baseball bat



11. Obese now outnumber hungry, says Red Cross 

Small band of slavering, eager looking fatties still a concern for worried, rapidly depleting group of the non-fat, non-hungry.

12. Study finds bed bug pesticides making some people sick 

Having not considered the eventuality in advance, researcher now shocked at the suggestion of any concern over sleeping repeatedly on a layer of poison.

Fi'teen

1. Concessions and Tension, Then a Deal
And another customer relents and forks over seven bucks for nachos at the ball park.

2. Spraying to Make Yards Green ... but With Paint, Not Water
Had 18 year-old Gibbons somehow become a homeowner

2.  Seattle Ponders (Some More) the Wisdom of Replacing a Roadway
City council recalls troubles in the sixties that resulted in expressway that routes 'round concrete-clad rabbit hole.

3.  Deal leaves liberals disheartened (Politico)
Like most deals offered liberals these days, it resembles deal offered Lando Calrissian.

4. Bob Dylan Brings His Anti-War Classics To Vietnam
Dylan one step from marooned Japanese soldiers as depicted in Gilligan's Island.

5. Judge Blocks Deal Lifting Protections For Wolves
Those in MN not aware that there was, nor had ever been, anything working in favor of 'Wolves.  But there, too, goes it. 

6. Death Toll Rises To 5 In Hawaii Fireworks Bunker Blast
Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, alas, looking at a transgression this time that all the soapy dishwater in the world cannot wash away.


7. Which Children Should Get New Jersey's Funding?
Modeled after neighbor Delaware's Bill (never introduced) requiring witch children to get funding.

8. Mayor: Half of Iowa town damaged by tornado
Church flattened, pull-tab bar still standing. That's not hard math.

9. Turkey condemns 'disproportionate' IDF violence in Gaza
Punctuates remarks with a particularly emphatic "Gobbledy-GOO!"


10. Sidney Lumet: Last of the Great Movie Moralists
Everything since then just Will Ferrell and flying cows.

11. Divided Poland recalls air crash
Polish still stymied, confused, and in disaccord after failing to find debris following "warm air/cold air collision"

12. Gulf pressure on Yemen's leader
As amazing son of a bitch attempts world record at freediving 



13. Landmarks From Two Decades of Study
Time for "career student" to clear out the empties.

14. More Unrest in Syria Wounds 5
Frustration mounts in poorly-named band as they see their less talented counterparts, Maroon 5, relish in stardom. 


15 Rory McIlroy Holds Biggest Masters Lead Since 1997
All just a prelude, however, to M-Club's "Masters" tournament, pinnacle of the sportsworld's year.